Courtesy Of The Peaky Blinders

So I’m pretty sure if you get instructions from the Peaky Blinders, you follow them like your life depends on it. But get instructions from a doctor or nurse or insurance company to change your diet, run a few laps at the new gym, maybe take the meds without chianti for once then, well, yeah, you don't take these literally. You chart a different path. Instructions tend to confuse me anyway. The ones we need least seem to be right in front of us, like that sage advice on some beer cans to "tap twice and pull the tab."  Then the ones we need most seem to be as clear as my wife's closet. I once asked the grocery clerk to point me to the gluten free vanilla pudding mix - it took Joe a good 20 minutes just to find the right aisle. "I could have sworn it would be next to the apple sauce," he kept mumbling as we circled the store. My Uncle Mike sent me instructions in ALL CAPS the other day - a detailed rundown of how to get from San Francisco to the Los Gatos Jesuit Center next week. He even had an "AVOID THE POTHOLE NEXT TO DIO DEKA DINER." Michael married me and my bride 24 years ago on his break from Gonzaga University classes, so I will avoid that pothole, heck I may even stop into the Deka for a milkshake. People in healthcare give us all kinds of instructions and sometimes they too are in ALL CAPS, but I often wonder if they are just testing us. My dad and I spend hours trying to decipher instructions for his medications. One bottle read "EVERY NIGHT BEFORE FOOD ONCE DAILY TO BE TAKEN FOUR TIMES A DAY THREE TIMES A DAY EVERY THREE TIMES DAILY TAKE ONE TAKE TWO TAKE THREE ONE OR TWO." I'm not a fan of commas, but dear lord these would have helped. This is a particularly cruel run-on sentence that makes literally no sense. Sounds more like my dance instructor's orders. We had a good laugh but not as much as this one for Ventolin to treat an acute bout of bronchospasms -- INHALE 2 PUFFS BY MOUTH EVERY 4 HOURS RECTALLY....My bride got some admittedly great instructions recently from our health insurer - the flyer said to use one of the two listed GI doctors for her colonoscopy. It said SCREENING SAVES LIVES and had 5 gold stars next to the doctor's name. It even included a gift card offer if choosing the doctor.  We got a $1,700 bill instead -- compliments of the anesthesiologist and the GI practice. Her primary care doctor sent a referral, but the insurer said they didn't get it, so a collection agency would be sending correspondence and alerting credit agencies, which is nice. Imagine those without the wherewithal to pay that bill. I can tell you it's not exactly a gift for us with four kids 17-22. Maybe I should call the Peaky Blinders... just to have them send a letter of course….perhaps something like my Aunt Nancy used to tell us when it was time to go after a bad experience -- "TAKE A GOOD LOOK AROUND KIDS...WE WON'T BE BACK." How’s that for instructions?