The Lost Column

Slice of life stories on family, sports, losing, and life

Not sure about you, but my kitchen was like a Jack Klugman warzone last week, straight out of a Felix and Oscar episode from Neil Simon’s Odd Couple. At one point on Tuesday, there are five Zooms going on simultaneously, wires crossing, the dog eating egg scraps and Cliff bar wrappers, then barking every time he hears a bark coming from a computer, startling my daughter who spills her milk, which starts flowing under laptops like the Mississippi after a rain storm. There’s laundry in the sink and toothpaste in the freezer. My wife starts playing Perry Mason, challenging the kids about who stole her charger. “Not me”, they all say. Her voice carries from the living room as she teaches 65 students about hand washing protocols for the first day of class, as I sit frozen on a PowerPoint slide, staring at a bar graph that makes no sense, gripping my chipped ‘DAD IS #1’ coffee mug like it’s the only thing holding me together. It’s only 8 am but Tommy and his sticky syrup fingers start playing a video game on his phone while his French teacher figures out for 10 minutes how to share her screen. “Sois patience,” she keeps saying. My dad bangs on the door then barges in as he usually does but this time stumbles on one of Zaggy’s squeaky toys, loses balance, and head butts the wall like Rocky charging at Apollo. He drops and so I frogger my way through the power cord maze to help him to the couch, clean his wound, and call the doctor. There’s a bit of angst as we MASH unit our way around dad, but my daughter, in true Radar O’Reilly fashion, brings over some gauze before I could say “we need gauze.” Dad is a bit dizzy and still feeling effects of the vertigo, but he is going to be alright. By 9 am, I’m three Microwave reheats of my coffee into the morning and ready for conference calls. My 16-year-old senior? He’s oblivious, huddled in a corner, ear buds blocking out sound. “Papa fell and hit his head so I’m going out to urgent care – can you take out the trash and help your sister with that Algebra,” I said. “Wait, what, papa fell?”

Lost Columns:

Old Stewball

Fish Hooked

The Glee Generation

Who’s Cronkite?

This Is Your Song

In Crisis, Dinner Time Dancing Is New Team Sport

Senior Moments During The Virus

Greatest Game Ever Played, Sort Of

Managing Teens, One Song At A Time

Early Ending For An Artist

The Sunday Pick Up

Father’s Day Error

Passed Ball

Top 10 Sports Movies About Losing

The Celebration of Mediocrity

Lost & Found

Break A Leg

The New Marriage Vow

Our Losing Season


Keep Pedaling


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